A Haunting In Kirkwall
by MorriganD'eamon1993
Summary: When Varric finds out he is the heir to a large property located in the forest on the border of Kirkwall he decides to sell up and claim the money But there is one condition... He must live in the Manor for a week before it can be sold so decides to bring his friends along. But something is wrong with the house...the original owner never left. PARODY AU.


A HAUNTING IN KIRKWALL…

NIGHT ONE (morning): Varric's surprise.

Maria-Susan Hawke rubbed her red raw eyes as the cruel sun burned her face.

For some reason Sandal had tried to climb the deep red curtains which covered the large window in her bedroom and torn them down, it had took all of her self-control not to rip the young dwarves skin off and mount him above the fireplace, but decided to lock him in the cellar with some rocks instead, from what she could hear he was quite content, if the occasional rumble of an explosion and Sandal saying "enchantment go boom!" was anything to go by.

Hawke groaned and rolled on her side, she couldn't tell how long she had before she had to wake up to go about her revolution instigating work…and her head was still throbbing from the night at the hanged man with Isabela and the others. Even though Hawke couldn't remember what happened, she was sure if Isabela was involved it would involve a barrel of whisky a pair of pliers and a nug.

A large lump covered by the silk blanket moaned softly, Hawke smiled. Anders always slept like a rock after a drink…but now it seemed the mage was waking up.

"Good morning sparkle-bottom," Hawke cooed as she brushed her finger over the snoring mass that "seemed" to be Anders. Her fingers hooked over the top of the blanket and began to pull it back.

"Hello? Sleeping beauty, time to…EEEEEEEKH!" Hawke shrieked in sheer surprise (and somewhat horror) as what was revealed wasn't Anders…

But Aveline and Isabela…snuggled together…wearing nothing but there undergarments…well…Isabela was wearing some eye covers with Hawke's initials… Aveline had her head stuck between Isabela's bosoms, and every time she snored Isabela's cleavage smacked her in the face. Isabela just sort of laid there on her back…which seemed to come naturally to her…Moving on… Hawke remained staring with her mouth open and tried to point.

"W…WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Hawke yelled, her voice sounding higher pitched than usual.

Aveline's eyes snapped open, and she was very quiet for a second as her eyes darted around to assess the situation. She soon did and was as you can expect disgusted.

But she didn't let it show. With a vacant expression she slid from between Isabela's boobs, got out of bed, went into the corner and sat down in the foetal position and began rocking backwards and forwards.

Hawke coughed nervously and also got out of the bed. Leaving Isabela to mumble to herself, saying bored faked sexually related phrases, this again, most likely came naturally in her current position.

"Oh maker…oh yes…oh you're so big…of course I love you, now how much is this worth…" Isabela mumbled blandly.

Hawke shuddered and backed away from the bed.

The door on the other side of the room suddenly burst open, and Anders strode into the room with flowers, singing loudly. "Good morning starshiiiiiine the earth say's….HELLO!"

Anders paused in utter horror at the sight of the two women in.

"Love! How could you!" Anders cried clutching his chest dramatically.

Hawke waved her arms in the air franticly.

"NO Anders! It not what it looks like! It was Isabela! She's a bad influence I've learned the error of my waaaaays!" Hawke explained franticly and somewhat randomly.

Ander's threw the flowers on the floor and stomped out the room in a huff, mumbling something about never being invited.

Hawke watched sadly, before growling and stomping back towards the bed, she picked up a basin from the bedside desk which was conveniently filled with freezing water, and emptied it over the pirate queen's head.

Isabela gurgled under the water before sitting bolt upright and pulling the eye covers off her head. She panted for a second before looking at the wet through garments protected her dignity.

"Hawke! I didn't know you were into this!" Isabela said seductively, lying on her side and soaking the sheets.

Hawke pointed to the door, "OUT NOW!" She roared, fire literally flying from her nostrils.

Isabela laughed and hopped nimbly out of the bed.

"Don't worry kitten, nothing MUCH happened," the pirate said teasingly, "That's the point of getting Drunk so you don't remember…right Aveline?"

Aveline didn't respond she just kept rocking, "My mouth tastes like a dirty penny…"

"You have five seconds before I flatten you!" Hawke warned.

"Oh come on! We had fun even Bethany joined in" Isabela explained gleefully, pointing to the corner of the room where Bethany lay tied up with an apple in her mouth, she was rolling around and making annoyed noises.

"How did I miss that…" Hawke said incredulously.

.O.

"It's okay sweet heart…that's just how she is…" Leandra Hawke said softly to Anders as he sat in her lap crying softly from her chair by the fire.

"B…but they didn't even invite meeeeeee!" Ander's bawled, before burying his head into Leandra's shoulder.

Fenris tutted from his brooding corner, (yeah…it literally has a sign above it saying Fenris' brooding corner) "Ander's you yourself, decided not to join in the drinking last night; you were in your clinic?"

"Shut up you PIXIE! I know where I waaaaaas!" Anders wailed pitifully.

"I'm an elf…fool," And thus, Fenris resumed his brooding.

"Oh, hello sweethearts?" Leandra greeted cheerfully.

Anders moved his head from Leandra's shoulder to see the girls standing in the large hall fully clothed, Hawke had her arms crossed and was shaking her head, looking pissed off and sexy at the same time.

Ander's growled and glowed blue, before shooting out of Leandra's lap and clinging to the high ceiling.

"Anders! We can talk about this," Hawke said wearily, "Stop being a baby,"

Anders didn't reply, he just hissed and scuttled around on the ceiling, still glowing blue.

Leandra sighed and pulled down a decorative lance from the fireplace, she began to poke at Anders with.

"Sister, you should really say sorry, you know mother doesn't like him up there…" Bethany advised.

Hawke glared at her, "Why should I! He's too sensitive!" Hawke complained.

Bethany pouted, "You're so mean,"

Isabela cleared her throat, "Look, I can sort this out, stand aside," She ordered.

The scantily clad pirate walked passed Hawke, winking at Aveline, who promptly turned green.

"Anders!" Isabela called.

The possessed mage turned his head all the way around, frothing at the mouth.

Isabela grinned devilishly and then yanked her shirt open.

A bright light filled the room, and the sound of choir boys singing echoed throughout.

Anders promptly stopped being blue and fell blissfully from the ceiling…until Isabela buttoned her shirt (one whole button) and let Anders slam into the hard floor, she turned around looking happy with herself.

Hawke blinked rapidly, "Wow…why didn't I think of that,"

Isabela winked at her and went to sit by Leandra and Aveline on the plush animal pelt sofa, Aveline moved away from her, trying to be quiet but the armour she was wearing prevented her from any form of subtlety whatsoever, causing Isabela to turn and do a kissy face at her.

"I could have gotten him down if you asked" Fenris said out of nowhere.

"Corner," Hawke snapped, pointing to the corner of the room.

Fenris cursed under his breath in tevinter before slumping back in his corner.

"Owwie..." Anders moaned, and Leandra kissed a "boo boo" on his knee better.

"Mother…" Bethany said, face palming.

"A mother's love knows no bounds," Leandra retorted, before shoving a bottle of Milk into Ander's mouth, he began to purr.

Hawke ground her teeth, "Anders! I can't take this anymore! YOU are supposed to be the man in this relationship, you are SUCH a baby!"

She stomped down the hall leading towards the front door, and just as she reached it…

SMACK!

The door flew open hit her in the face and smacked against the wall putting a hole in the wall (Leandra's housewife senses are tingling) and in the light of the morning, stood a very happy fluffy chested dwarf.

"Does anyone even knock anymore…" Hawke sighed from the floor, her nose seeming flatter than usual.

"Good morning my friends…and Fenris," Varric greeted brightly.

"Varric? Why are you so, happy…you scare me when you're happy," Hawke said, walking back into the main hall rubbing her nose.

"Why ever would that be?" Varric asked grinning.

"Because!" Hawke replied "You're happiness is usually at MY expense…for 'shits and giggles' as you put it?"

Varric shook his head, "You got nothing to worry about, buuut, it does involve you…and some of the others…namely, you and you, and you, and you and you," Varric pointed at Isabela, Bethany, Fenris, Aveline and Anders.

"Varric, why exactly do you need _us?" _Aveline asked, the guard captain having trouble scooting further away from Isabela.

Varric grinned and reached into the pocket of his duster coat, and pulled out a piece of parchment.

"This! Is the deed to my family's old estate on the other side of Kirkwall forest, it's worth at least 250 sovereigns" Varric explained with sheer glee.

"And why may I ask does that involve my daughters and their friends?" Leandra asked as she burped Ander's.

Varric stared at her and Anders for a second before looking away awkwardly.

"Ah…well, there's a catch, I would be willing to split the money, if you came with me…heh…we have to spend 7 nights in the mansion, locked in…and…apparently it's haunted" Varric explained, watching the others reactions, they seemed to be thinking about it.

"Haunted how?" Hawke asked.

Varric laughed, "It's nothing…nothing too bad, the last occupants were brutally murdered by the previous owner, nothing too bad" he said with a reassuring smile.

Everyone was silent for a while.

"I'm in!...250 sovereigns" Isabela called, drooling a little.

"Rivaini you're the best," Varric complimented, winking at her.

"As am I," Fenris said in his shmexy broody voice.

"Good, good, CORNER!" Varric called.

Fenris growled yet again.

"Fine I will go too, but Isabela is to be kept away from me at all times," Aveline said, crossing her legs and looking away from Isabela.

"What about you Hawke?," Varric asked, crossing his fingers behind his back…well trying to because his stubby arms had trouble reaching.

Hawke thought about it, and pulled Ander's from Leandra's lap.

"Me and Ander's accept, ONLY, because we need the time together..." Hawke said glaring at Ander's who was trying to lick milk off the corner of his mouth.

Varric nodded before turning to Bethany.

"Come on sunshine, you know you want to spend a week with ol' Varric," He said leering at her.

Bethany scoffed, "You are completely vile…but…the money is good…yeeees….i accept," she said forcing a smile, but secretly thinking…._think of the money think of the money think of the money…_over and over again.

"Good! I'm glad we all agree; now let's go, my lawyer's been waiting at the house since last Friday,"

Varric turned on his heel and strode back towards the door whistling and singing, "I'm in the money, I'm in the money,"

The others followed behind him, while Anders was walking with Leandra glomping his foot and sobbing.

"Noooooo! Without my babies I'll die lonely!" Leandra wailed.

"Oh mother stop," Hawke scolded as she kicked her hands off Anders' ankle.

Leandra watched sadly as the door closed, she sighed and stood up, she walked up to the hall again.

"Everything alright mistress?...and have you seen my boy?" Bodahn Feddic said from his place by the notice board where the letters were kept.

Leandra smiled disturbingly, "No I haven't…but there's something you could do for me…"

She pulled out the bottle she was feeding Anders with and a nappy.

While Bodahn just smiled back, blissfully unaware of the impending shame.

. End of Chapter.O.

A/N sooooooooo first chapter, random…most likely not funny to some, but that's up to the readers :P each night will be in 3 parts, Morning Afternoon, night…and so on and so forth….will update soon.


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